He changed his status to in a relationship.
I don’t know why it breaks my heart so much.
Fight or flight response. Ive proven to myself that I am more than capable of “fighting”.
I would much rather run though; avoid conflict.
I’m dealing by trying to forget.
I feel my heart going… if I even think about it for too long it jumps out of my chest.
I work in the town. My heart is in the community.
The next time I see him will determine which direction it goes. All I can do is pray that it doesn’t even read on his radar. That it isn’t gossip. That it isn’t something to throw around with the “guys”.
In my heart though I know it won’t be that easy. He gets attached but is completely self-absorbed. Combine that with his disrespect to most females (‘cept for the few genuine moments he has shown me) plus his instability… it’s dangerous.
I will forgive myself eventually.
Need to breathe breathe breathe.
Anxious anxious anxious.
I’ve felt like my heart has been in my throat all day.
Ever since he wouldn’t cuddle with me after.
Ever since he uttered words such as “aren’t you going to do any of the work” and “what are going to do to fix this liquor dick”.
Ever since I let him that close.
I couldn’t stay over. Grabbed my things as soon as he fell asleep just past 5:30am. Said my goodbyes and ran.
Hm hm hm.
By a flirtatious and overeager 40 something year old.
Women grabs his hand and points to his ring and says
“how long has that burden been in your life?”
“23 wonderful years”
Shoulda seen my mom’s face when he was telling her the story. It was like she won the lottery.
Maybe that whole marriage thing isn’t completely horrible.
I’ve gained weight. Not the end of the world. I’ll live. I know exactly what I have to do lose it (of course I just haven’t done it yet).
The issue isn’t my weight (though my lack of courage to start the weight-loss process again might be) but my inability to feel comfortable in my skin. At whatever weight at whatever time.
Where i could look at MY body and feel love… appreciation, even pride.
I’ve lost 100 pounds…. I’ve gained 40…. No matter what stage I’ve been at I haven’t felt that love.
No one but my doctor has ever seen me completely nude, ever. Not even through the drunken escapades where only choice items were removed (if any… ‘cause goodness boys you all were on the winning side of those sometimes consensual arrangements) or in the stable, safe, loving-like, somewhat enjoyable rendezvous with ‘significant partners’.
No nude eva.
I find this both unsettling but kinda interesting.
Unsettling is the easier of the two to figure out. I’m a 20ish year old who has her life ahead of her but has a paralysis regarding self-love.
Interesting isn’t necessariy more difficult for me to understand it’s just a little bit of a different angle.
I’m a work-in-progress nursing student. I’ve spent hours a day studying and working with/on bodies. Dressed, naked and every nip-slip inbetween. A human is a weird balance of oddness and beauty all wrapped into one.
When it comes down to it it’s one head two arms, a hand, a foot etc. I am in the process of developing a trained eye to look past “imperfections” and view only health vs disease (wellness vs illness).
I don’t know why I can’t use that skill on myself.
Subconsciously I may believe that I’ll only be happy with my body once I’ve worked for it (earned it). That i’ve never really felt that I’ve given it a 100% before.
Key thing will be figuring out whether I really haven’t given it ‘my all’ or if I’m just never satisfied with what ‘my all’ is.
We will see. I need to get on that damn treadmill.
Words sting… Words fueled by indifference hurt even more.
Distance. Distance. Distance. Must keep distance.
It feels full of charge, freedom, rebellion.
I wish I could have the courage without the storm.
Not paralyzed but almost. I’m reminiscing instead of taking action.
I’ve spent the last five hours sitting on my ass with paper & calendars in front of me. All I need is to start.
Friends change. We all grow up in different ways… Follow different passions.
Still kinda hurts my heart though, just a lot.
I hope that when I find my head and balance that I can create new friendships with those that I have lost.